I...

This post won't be for you.  It's not even for me really. It just ... is.

I feel defeated.
I feel pain.
I feel sadness.
I feel anger.
I feel stress.
I feel lost.
I feel scared.
I feel confused.
I feel unsure.
I feel untrusting.
I feel numb.

I need my life back.
I need my kids to be ok.
I need new tires on the truck.
I need my husband not to be deteriorating daily right in front of us.
I need to dig down deeper than I ever have to find the strength I didn't know existed.
I need to be the mom my kids deserve me to be, the mom I used to be.
I need to not be afraid of the worsening ataxia and the looks of sadness in his eyes.
I need to not be so far in the red by mid-month every single month I consider desperate things.
I need to make sure that Jeremiah's getting the best care he can.
I need to make sure that I provide the best quality of life for him I can.
I need to trust that this will all be ok and remember that I am not alone.

I want to remind you life is precious - embrace it.
I want to remind you time is so fleeting - hold on to it.
I want to remind you, you're not alone- look around you.
I want to remind you to find the blessing in the curse - pray about it.
I want to remind you children are so innocent - LET THEM BE!
I want to show you there is kindness in the cruelty - just find it.
I want to lead by example that we must find positives in our day - they're always there.

I will hold onto love.
I will keep perspective.
I will embrace reality.
I will cherish smiles and memories.
I will always be thankful.
I will always pay it forward.
I will always be true to myself
                                    - even if that isn't the most popular or likable.