Another day...

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm not even sure where to start or what to say.  I'm exhausted.  Saturday Jeremiah spent nearly the entire day in his broken recliner.  Didn't even want to eat.  That evening I sat with him to really observe and check up.  He said he just wanted "to listen to the game, not watch" and he couldn't feel either arm.  I poked and pinched and he had no response. I asked him to make fists with each hand, and he only accomplished a sort of fist about 25% of the time.

Around 3 AM Saturday night/Sunday Morning, he used the wheelchair to get into the bathroom. When he came back from that I could tell something was wrong. He wouldn't stop moving all over the bed, even almost falling out. He was moaning in pain and there was clearly a lot of pain in his trembling voice. He managed to tell me that his neck and shoulder hurt.  I assumed he must have slept on it wrong and tried to find a knot.  He screamed out in pain as he wasn't even able to tolerate the slightest pressure.

He said he wanted to go sit in the chair, thinking sitting upright might provide some relief. about 2 1/2 hours later (around 630 AM by now) he came back into the bedroom and said he was not able to sleep at all and couldn't take it anymore, he needed sleep. He transferred to the bed where he immediately started crying out in pain.  He asked to go to the ER as the pain had spread down his chest and rib cage and it hurt to take a deep breath. I called his mom to come to get the kids and we went right over.

We got to the ER a little before 9 AM Sunday. And we would spend the next nearly 10 1/2 hours there.  They did a bunch of tests, as usual, we waited for neuro for about 6 hours.  And then again another for pharmacy as they sent his scripts to Florida.  Must be a subliminal message.

At any rate, they finally decided that the pain he is having is similar to what other's call "the MS hug" and it can be very painful.  They said he has two new and very active lesions on his C3 and C4 and that is what is causing the pain.  They told him very bluntly they do not want him on narcotics for the pain, and he would be in pain after the ER. But they don't want to mess with narcotics on top of everything else.  It's like putting a band-aid on something that needs to be fixed, not covered up. 

So he came home with a ten-day course of gabapentin and another course of steroids - this time an oral version.  He goes back in tomorrow for occupational and speech therapy.  He will go ahead with the second dose of the Ocrevus and we will touch base with his neuro team at some point this week as well to see if there is more to be done or changes to be made.  

The older two kids asked me today if dad is going to die from MS soon.  I still don't know how to answer that.. You'd think after having the same children ask me if I was going to die from cancer when they were 2 and 5 would have me better prepared for this. But it didn't.  

I also want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has prayed, sent cards, shared our journey and anything else in between.  The big gestures and the small events, they are all appreciated and we are grateful.  I also want to encourage everyone to continue to pray, but to also find a small random act of kindness to give to a stranger.  You don't know how much of a difference your compliment or your buying their lunch could make.  And think of the domino effect you could be starting. 

A special thank you to those who have been supporting my business.  I can and am working by the besides these days! And it feels good doing both! Thanks again, friends! ❤

Who the heck is Helga?

So I forget that not everyone knows about "Helga".  Our 10-year-old is ... extra :) In a great way.  She loves to develop all these characters.  Sheila Spice. Olivia Flay. And Helga. Helga is the funniest in my opinion. She is an older Russian woman who has migrated to the US to live. And is learning all things American.  You can see all the personalities here:

Helga

Sheila Spice

Olivia Flay

These moments, this is why I love my life.  Because even in a fog of confusion on what tomorrow will look like, there's still plenty of good in every today! Happy Friday Friends! Enjoy!

Generations of Love

Our family survives on wit, inappropriate humor, understanding and forgiveness.  As a mom, I thrive on traditions and memories.  Some of my favorites as a child myself were with my Grandma Taubel.  I have always had inherit love and appreciation for my elders.  And I was also fascinated with their lives and their stories.  The things they had to overcome that seemed like just a foreign idea to me.  Like the great depression, a recession, buying a farm for a few hundred dollars and on and on.  My grandma taught me to live off the land, use everything you have/waste nothing and to make do with what you have.  The kitchen was our home field and she was an amazing coach.  I still to this day fondly can recall the way her hands smelled of onions or the fresh dough creation in the oven.  Or the way her from scratch soup warmed my entire body and soul on the cold winter days. (That's why Pampered Chef truly does resonate with who I am as a person!)  The way her voice sounded when she hummed "Jesus loves me" or how she held her rosary for our almost nightly rosary after supper.

Devout Catholics have many traditions.  And I love carrying on many of those with my own family today.  Using the same advent prayer card she used.  And saying the same sequence of night prayers.  Repeating her little sayings, "Upstairs, downstairs, inside and out" (that's how you brush your teeth, in case you didn't know!)   Her home was always neat and tidy, and actually clean.  She didn't keep her Halloween decorations up all year round like I do (I'm talking about the spider webs I never clean) and she always had a from scratch dessert "in case company stops by" - and company always stopped by! I loved our simple life on the farm.  It was hard work, but it was good work and fulfilling work.  I knew very young that I wanted to be just like her.  As I grew older, I realized I would never be able to be as amazing as she was, but even half the woman she was, would still be pretty impressive.

She died fairly suddenly.  We found her cancer and learned it had spread to every organ in her body.  There was not much they could even suggest and she happily accepted her ticket to judgment day.  We didn't wait long for her ticket to get punched.  From the time we found out until she passed was just a few weeks.  The timing of these things is never easy, and for her and I, would have never been enough time. She and I were just starting to go through her boxes of pictures from when her children were little, writing down her recipes, and journaling her life, to create a memoir of sorts, when she passed.  It's not done, and it never really will be now. But I still treasure what little we have.  One of the very last conversations we had, when she was still of sound mind, was this, and I want to share it with all of you.


"Amber, I don't want you to make the mistake I made.  I want you to enjoy the time with your babies.  All of it, every minute. I don't want you to worry about the mess in the sink or the fingerprints on the window.  That stuff can all wait for later. But once the time is gone, you can never get it back."   The more that I experience in my life, the more I realize that the things that make the biggest impressions on us are not the large grand gestures, but the small loving things.  I can't afford luxurious vacations or world traveling.  Even if I could afford a vehicle and college for all of my children, I don't know that I would anyway.  You learn very little when you are handed something.  You dont get the joy and the life experience from earning it.  Which means you are not able to pass that lesson on and pay it forward as easily either. I want my children to feel the pride in knowing you worked for something.  And even the disappointment when you don't achieve your goals.  The motivation to work harder next time. And the humility to know that it's ok, as long as you were honestly giving your best.  I want to give my children the same memories and traditions that I was given, that's what I want for my children.

Only Mom "fishes" like this...

Life is so funny, isn't it?! One minute, you're reaching your goals, checking stuff off the to-do list, finding a missing shoe (your own..) and the next minute you're fishing baby 💩💩 out of the bathtub and scrubbing lets-not-guess-what from the bottom of the fridge.  Yes, that is all true.  I lead a glamorous life, you guys!

I have nothing inspiring to share today.  And if it weren't for my Thrive, this post would contain multiple lines of the same letter.  From my forehead hitting the keyboard as I fall asleep in my chair.  Last week was ... a lot.  One day to the next, drastic changes.  That's how MS is. You just never know.  Things can change slowly over time and be subtle, or they can smack you in the face like a freight train.  Not the big ones, but like the kind that fit in a 5-year-old's hand - still hurts though...


Jeremiah's vision is still returning, slowly, but we take it! His balance is coming back even slower. I think, could be wishful thinking on my part. But we survive on wit and optimism here! He can walk longer distances with a gait aid if he's not worn out. And that has become our new challenge.  Him not overdoing it.  Like the other night when I said just go around the block and he walked down to the ball field instead.  (It's a Benike thing...) He said it went ok but that last 2 blocks home were a little dicey.  Men... 

We attended Corn on the Cob Days parade, which again proved to be a bit too much and he's almost been in bed since... even still.   Today we start the joys of therapy. He hates it, but I know personally how much it is needed when you're the patient. And it is needed.  Last night he needed to use the bathroom and decided he didn't have time for the chair. Tried to walk and fell right over.  Into a pile of clothes and stuff.  See, we are messy to save lives, not because we are lazy! ugh!

The kids are doing ok.  Lots of emotions right on the brink.  Our families have been wonderful in helping with them, taking them, making them feel like normal kids.  Olivia is desperate for school to start and that tells me how much they are craving some normalcy.  While I actually like having them at home (most of the time) I can understand the feeling.  I would love our boring and routine days back!

I want to take a moment to thank you.  For reading this, for sharing it, for commenting below. I'd thank you for becoming a follower, but I don't know how to install one of those pop-up thingys that asks you to follow it, yet. ;)  For your support, prayers, and generosity - we are so very blessed to be surrounded by so much love.  And I can honestly only think that his recent improvements are from those thoughts and prayers! Happy Tuesday! And here's to a poo touching free day for all of us!

Forward Momentum

Science was not my strong suit. While I really enjoyed it, I just struggled to grasp it as easily as I grasped other things, like words and writing 😆 But I do see science around me all the time.  Have you ever tried to stop something with a lot of momentum? A pool ball after being struck, a baseball bat mid-swing, maybe a dog after that squirrel. And have you ever tried to start something to move alone? Like your car out of the road when it won't start? The kid's play equipment you are SO sick of mowing around. Setting something in motion takes a lot of effort, but stopping something with forward momentum can be quite difficult.

.  

That's a great way to look at the trials in our lives. I will be the first to openly admit that the last week, I had several days where I felt like how much more can I handle? How do I know what a mental breakdown will feel like?  Maybe it'll be nice, I don't think they make you take care of other patients in Generose... But then I realize, that it is always much harder to start again if you have already started.  I'm well known for saying, "no, let's just get it done." when asked if I need to take a break from a task.  Because I know that if I go sit down and rest and my muscles and energy levels cool down, then so does my momentum and my drive.  This is a fine line. You can't just waste all of your energy trying to do things in a hurry. Because things done in a hurry are rarely done right.

Jeremiah's health is like that.  He's been receiving steroids since we went to the ER.  A dose each day.  And will tomorrow as well.  They seem to be helping. He reports better vision and tonight I made him push the kids in the stroller around the block.  Man, was that hard! Also a fine line between pushing yourself a little further for betterment and overdoing it! After he nearly fell down the porch twice he was excited to do something normal for the first time in a long time.

If you have talked to him in person recently, chances are he said something that didn't seem entirely right or maybe a little off.  He's still not having a ton of luck with his memory issues. Cognitively words still escape him.  He told me the meteorologist he saw in the ER made notes in his file! ha!  At least he knew that was the wrong word! His speech patterns have improved, but certain sounds put together are still hard.  He is improving on the "drunk tests" some, which is encouraging!  

We feel your prayers.  And your support.  We try to answer each message, comment, share.  Please have patience with me, I'm REALLY behind! :) I encourage you all to pray for someone you do not know as well. Pray for someone in a similar situation to you, or us, or maybe something you don't think you can handle.  So many people in our lives feel so alone.  For whatever reason.  We may not know what their struggles are, but that does not mean we can not pray for them.  Because with 7.6 BILLION people in this world, I promise, no one is alone.  

Mom, you're doing just fine

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

If you listen to me long enough, you'll know quotes are big for me. And this one plays in my mind like a broken record. Especially today. Growing up things were not always as easy or nice as they could and should have been. I felt like tears and crying were showing whatever the evil was, that it was winning. So around age 10, I just started to do everything I could mentally to never cry. I thought crying was perceived as a weakness. And I HATE feeling weak.

Now that I'm an adult and I know better, I still "can't" cry. I am not sure if this will come out right, but my tears are internal. My pain is inside and doesn't come out in a physical manner that others can see, like tears. It comes out in other ways, frustration, mental fatigue, severe back pain (like muscle knots and tension) I wish it came out in tears because we all need to release our emotions. All of them. Think about it. We smile when we are content, laugh when we are happy, yell when we are angry, scream when we are in pain (usually). Even an infant knows to express their emotions.

Today was a #MomFail! I had 3 alarms set because I had 3 things to do this AM. But Emma told me that she didn't need a ride because Grandma was giving her one. So my brain apparently heard, 'you now have absolutely nothing to do today but sleep in and miss every single thing you needed to get people too.' Olivia didn't get to Plainview with her sister, despite asking me if she could. Jeremiah was 40 minutes late for infusion and I forgot my wallet at home, of course, so didn't get milk for cereal at noon because that's just how we roll around here. I left the house already behind for a very important appointment with 3 kids crying, lots of swearing and Jeremiah thinking "he's fine, he can do it himself" I told him the stubborn thing is getting old and just not the time. To which he replies, "it's not my fault it comes with the last name". At least his wit is still intact 😉

My "tears" today were for feeling like I let my family down, again. For the 89.00 gas tank fill. (Gas is just so expensive! Why can't they make a car run on my family's gas, because we would be all set if they could....) For the lady at Bennett's (the grocery store in town) - I don't know who it was, Olivia wasn't sure, who paid for the kids donuts. And whoever put the $450.00 in my People's Checking. I'm 98% sure I know who you are, but the bank didn't identify you. You don't know how you helped. You kept my insurance paid and that's crucial right now for obvious reasons, and my cell phone bill paid - which again, is our lifeline right now. These are blessings, my friends. Despite all of our trials these days, we are still, so. very. blessed.

My message today is for all of you mom's out there. I feel you. You are wondering if you are doing it right. If you are a "good mom" If you yell too much. If you buy too much. If they love you some days... I'm here to tell you if you think any of those things, then chances are HIGH you are "doing it right". It's like I tell my Pampered Chef Team, if you are worried you are being too pushy, then you aren't. The salesman who is actually too pushy, never questions if they are. It's the same for being a mom. All any of us can ever do, is our very best. As long as you are honestly giving it the best effort you can, you're good. Each day, try to be better than the day before. Because forward progress of even the smallest amount, is still better than no progress at all. So if you are aware of being a good mom, then you are. 💓 And, it's ok to cry!

Ring

Ring.  A circle, a symbol, a beautiful piece of jewelry, a shape, part of a sport... a ring is so many things.  And like so many things in this world it means different things to everyone. To me 'ring' reminds me of our wedding bands.  When I was sick, I asked to never have my ring taken off (for surgeries and such) they would tape over it and tape it on to my hand because I think they saw how important it was for me. How much my soul needed that ring to stay there. It sounds funny, and I can't explain it, but it was a real thing for me.

Now that I'm no longer the patient, and I'm the caregiver, ring means even more.  Funny now story.  (but NOT at the time) Like 2 years ago, Jeremiah ended up losing a lot of weight, due to the MS I am sure.  His wedding ring kept falling off.  He lost it once and I was SO angry.  Because those were the same rings we had worn, the same rings we said our vows with. AND of course I had told him that it was going to get lost and until we could resize it, he should just keep it in my jewelry box.  He knew better, I guess. So the ring was lost and he was afraid to tell me.  I noticed eventually and he had to confess.  Then one random, fluke day, I was outside our house and just happened to catch it from the corner of my eye.  (after having prayed and prayed and prayed that I find it) He just HAS to put it back on.  You see where this is going.  Yup, he lost it. Again.  Only this time, he *thinks* it's somewhere maybe in the yard.  Possibly in the gutters or on the roof.  Not really sure exactly.

So, I saved up my Pampered Chef commission last year.  A little from each check so I could pay cash (being debt free is on my bucket list! #DaveRamseyFan) for a new band for him.  We got one very similar, but different colored to his original.  And he's worn it every day since.  Every time anything happens to us, we always say, what did we learn from this.  (The kids HATE that...) and I learned an important lesson.  The ring he wore was important. But it wasn't the ring itself that had meaning to me.  It was the man wearing the ring.  Seeing his ring on his finger reminds me that we are a team and that we are always better together, regardless of the state we are in.  (so far we like MN - haha)

This week has been rough for us. Monday night, Jeremiah lost the ability to walk.  He was not walking well, but Monday night he was not able to walk at all. Remember when you were a kid and you put your forehead on the bat and then spun around and tried to run to first? That's what he looked like.  It was brutal.  Last night, my sister came over and helped me keep him steady on the stool while I cut his hair and shaved him.  I helped him to the shower, where he is finally using assisted devices.  He called out for me really quickly and when I got back in, he was saying, "I can't see, I can't see anything" He has lost all vision, and very suddenly. "It just went black" I rushed him to the ER around 6 last night.  We arrived home around 2 AM this morning. In addition to his vision, he was having much more general confusion, (confusing time and directions) he was having severe impairment in his abilities. (We lovingly refer to them as the 'drunk tests'  Touch your nose then my finger, stand with your feet together, trace your shin with the opposite heal, repeat this phrase, etc)   and he was having some other difficulties as well.  (what is left, right!?)

Today we were back over at Mayo meeting with the therapy team.  He is being referred for ocupational therapy, speech therapy and physical therapy.  They'll also be prescribing him a wheelchair and other gait aids and devices to help him be more independent. The steroids he was given in the ER seem to be helping some. His mood was better today.  His vision seems to slowly be returning and he was actually awake for more than an hour today. Seriously.

Going forward, he will have more steroids every day until Sunday. He will have his new MS drug infusion as well.  He will also have a repeat MRI to track and compare from July's.  (I actually feared he had had a stroke last night...)  We will also be doing many therapy appointments as well.

SO many people are asking what you can do.  So here is my list, and it isn't easy for me to admit I need help...

1. First, pray and pray and pray some more. Not just for us, but for yourselves and those you don't even know.  
2. If you want to help us in a more material way, gas cards as we are making daily (sometimes more) trips to the clinic, and those awesome little parking ramp stamp cards.  (We are now going to have to be going between the campus') and food cards- like Jimmie johns or something near Mayo because he gets hungry during treatment and appointments.  And making sure he eats and drink has been a chore lately. 
3. I can not ask for money outright.  And saying, yes, it's ok to send a gift card still makes me feel... annoyed (with myself ...like I'm not doing my "job" as an adult I guess) That is why I say if you want to help, buy your pampered chef from me.  Host a virtual show with me. Refer me to your friends for pampered chef. Write a review for me on facebook for my Pampered Chef. I don't want to be given something I am capable of working for.  And I can work my business from his bedside while I find comfort and solace in staring at his wedding ring. Much love Friends! <3 
   

Getting all Dr Phil on ya

I'm a HUGE Dr. Phil fan.  And if you listen to his messages, you might be too.  Some of my favorites:
- "we don't burden children with adult issues.  They can't change it, they can't fix it and it makes them feel helpless" Plus, it scares the hell out of them.
- "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides." just like everything in life.  And the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
- "The best predictor of future behavior is, past behavior." want a new future predictor? Change your behaviors and over time, you have a new past, that predicts the future behavior you want.
And my favorite -- "In life, you generate the results you think you deserve"

Today I have an overwhelming urge to talk about self-talk.  What we tell ourselves.  Because you might think it doesn't matter.  You might think no one else knows the awful things you tell yourself.  You might think you hide it amazingly well.  And you may.  But you don't really.  Someone in your life, maybe your spouse or child, maybe the gas store attendant - but someone knows.  If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Many people who suffer from depression or anxiety are often told, 'just get over it' or 'just be happy'.  But what mentally healthy people do not understand, it isn't a choice.  They don't choose depression.  Trust me, they damn sure do not choose anxiety.  Anxiety attacks, real ones, big ones, yeah they feel like you're dying (I'd imagine) Mine are similar to what I think would happen if a stroke and a heart attack had a crack baby.  That's not funny, but it is legit physically paralyzing. My chest is so tight I can't take a breath, and because it's tight and I'm in full on panic mode, I can't speak.  But even if I could, it wouldn't much matter - what should I say? I'm just having a panic attack.  That by the way, I didn't "bring on myself" True panic attacks usually just happen.  It's not because your thoughts forced it to happen.  (although your thoughts and stress levels surely do not help anything here)

That all being said, what I want EVERYONE to understand is that the negative self-talk is so crucial to your overall life, yes, overall - not just mental health, but your physical health, your entire life as a whole, including what you do.  Hear me out here.  If I tell myself, "OMG, I'm so poor, I can't afford anything!" I will be poor and not able to afford anything.  I will subconsciously make choices that keep me in that state.  I know it sounds crazy. But if I tell myself, "I'm a Pampered Chef ROCKSTAR and I will reach all of my goals." and "I have plenty of money for all the things I need in life" I will start to see things differently. Which will change the choices I make and thus create a different result that works toward the one I want.

We have always told our kids, "instead of worrying about what you DON'T have, try being thankful for what you do have." My kids can't "compare" to many of the kids in their school.  But you bet your ass they look pretty freaking amazing next to the kid in the shelter.  Or the kid who has to walk to a lake for water. Life is really about perspective.  And how you see things will affect every single area of your life.  It's been proven. There have been MANY medical studies that have proven that what I'm saying is true.  That your mental health, and your attitude or perspective about things will domino affect nearly every single other thing in your path.

To get you started, and I hated this activity at first too - write down 10 self-positive affirmations.  When I was down and out, I actually created a visual for myself because that's how I learn. (and one of them is listed twice on purpose ;) ) I posted it in my office, in my planner, it became my wallpaper on my ipad and my phone.  I sent it to people that I trusted and wanted to hold me accountable to myself to be more positive! I'll show you mine.  But if you need ideas for what your 10 things are, google ideas.  Look on Pinterest. There are so many wonderful ideas to get you started! Then read that list.  Over and over. Read it so many times you can recite it word for word at any time.  And then once you can do that, keep repeating them to yourself. While you're driving. While you're in the shower. Or trying to fall asleep.  Repeat them while you're smiling and nodding at pre-teen drama - (just kidding, I always listen intently to my children.) You NEED to make those 10 positive things automatic thoughts. Trust me.

I encourage everyone, mental health aside, to watch these Dr. Phil clips where he explains the science behind this and why it isn't a 'choice'. (Turn up your speakers, he was sick that day!) Click Here!

After you watch that one, watch this one on how he explains how to eliminate negative self-talk

Adulting is not what I was expecting!

You know all of our obvious struggles lately or can at least guess what they might be. But man alive you guys, I still find myself screaming, "REALLY?!" to absolutely no one so many times... There are so many things that I didn't know when I decided to really try this adult stuff.  I have many examples. And I won't list names, because, I'm better than that.  And also, I can't keep their names straight anyway.

One of the things I am the most confused by is poop. In the toilet.  What happens in there? They go in, they do their business, finish, and figure, "oh, mom will be so proud of this, I think I'll leave it for her".  Or is it, "well that was so much work I simply can't extend my arm to push that little silver lever".  Or is getting out every single toy we own just so pressing they simply do not have time to flush it down?! I suppose it is my fault.  I taught them when to use the bathroom, where to go to the bathroom, how to use the bathroom. But I suppose I forgot to STRESS the importance of flushing like I stress the importance of toilet paper and then soap and water.  Parenting fails, obviously.

The same ranking on the list would be putting empty things back where they came from.  Now, our kitchen isn't THAT big.  But, in all fairness, their legs are shorter than mine.  I can see how it would require like two or three steps to go from the fridge to the garbage.  I brought this to their attention.  And I am not kidding, they have all perfected the all-important life skill of leaving barely ANY product in the container so they can say, well, it's not gone yet.

The last one, I just can't understand.  I have a shoe basket in the entryway.  Directly next to the door when they come inside.  All they have to do is place the shoes in the basket.  But I think someone must be paying them per shoe that is left OUTSIDE the shoe basket.  They have to be. Because I kid you not, the shoes never go in the basket.  I'll even go out there, and put all the shoes laying on the floor in the basket, and then I come back out and sure enough, there are all the shoes back on the floor and the basket laying next to them.

I've asked said accused of these transgressions.  And you know what they say?! "Mom, ghosts." Yup.  At least I don't question if I have an extra child named, 'wasn't me'.  Oyi...   Ghosts, can you please flush the turds, throw away empties, and leave the shoes in the basket? Please? Thanks!

Let's get REALLY real for a bit...

As news of Jeremiah's illness has spread, I am getting so many messages asking what can people do to help, and how am I doing.  Well, to help, host a virtual show with me (100% Shameless plug there! But seriously, I'm a hoot! And you get free stuff. I mean, come on!)  But pray. Just pray for him. For our kids.  We joke because that's how we deal. But in all honesty, we are scared.  We were told a few years ago that we needed to prepare for the fact that eventually, his MS would progress and not stop.  He wouldn't recover and it wouldn't really be managed like we were used to.

That being said, let's discuss how I'm actually doing. I don't try to hide this side per say, I just learned a long time ago that I can not keep my mental health where I need it to be if I stay in the red zone too long.  If I stay in the bad, negative, mindset, I can't move forward, be optimistic or hopeful or productive for my family.  So I don't talk about it so as a way to stay mentally strong and fit.

But sometimes we need to talk about it.  I have struggled my entire life with depression and anxiety.  I am on medication for it.  And on my medication, I function very well and am very mentally strong and able.  I know from experience I can not function without my medication at the level of wife and mom and human being in society that I want to function at.  And that's ok.  Other people have strong feelings against medication, but that isn't up to me or anyone else.  We all have to do whatever we feel is best for us.  Notice I didn't say right.  I don't think there is a right and wrong. Every person and situation is unique.

So how am I doing? Not well.  I take my medication so I can get through the day. Which is exactly the answer to your next question, how do we do it?  We do it one day at a time.  And when that is too much, it's one hour at a time.  Do what you have to, to make it to the next hour.  One hour at a time.  And before you know it, you've survived the day you thought you just couldn't.

My mental state is being rocked on an hourly basis because I am afraid.  I am scared that this is the attack the doctors have been telling us to prepare for.  That at 34 years old I am watching my incredible husband deteriorate. His cognitive ability is being attacked hard.  He can't stay awake for more than 20 or 30 minutes without needing a nap and falls asleep randomly.  He stays in bed usually until noon, when he gets up to move to the living room.  He usually goes back into bed around 1 or 2 for a nap.  Comes out for supper and asks to go to bed around 8.  He struggles so much in so many ways.

I tell you this not for your pity because we can't do anything with that. I tell you for your awareness.  The things we think are hard in life, are generally not the things that are actually hard in life.  Getting our card fixed, getting our bank account out of the red, finding a new job that pays more - these are not the hard things.  The hard things are things you simply can not do a damn thing about.  Watching a loved one suffer from an illness, not being able to shield your children from the hurts,  these are life's actual hard things.  But what's that saying, without the storms, we wouldn't see the rainbows?

I borrowed this obviously real photo without permission from here.  Just keeping it real. 

Officially Offical!

If you are on my facebook, you know that I recently asked if there would be any interest in a blog from your's truly.  Just a few of you had some mild interest so here we are.  If you don't know me, that was me dripping the sentence with just over the legal limit of sarcasm.  I still have not decided on a plan or direction for this. But the second I sat down at my desk, the name came right out and that was how I knew God was on board.

An accurate visual of us
trying to get through life

So with no plan and no real blog style yet, I figured why not start the blog and the very first post with some of the random thoughts I had on my journey around the sun yesterday.  Now, I already prefaced random.  But all women will understand this.  The saying about how a woman's brain resembles my internet browser - mega true.  supposed to be doing just the one thing, but have 32 other tabs open and I'm checking at least 9 of them. Here we are:

I added a new saying to the list, "things I never thought I would say": No honey, we don't put our toothbrush in our pee-pees. (If you missed that one random facebook post from several years ago, it joins things like, "Oh hey, pretty girl! Are you pooping?", "What's wrong with your penis?", "We can't go to the store naked", "...Because mommy can't pee outside like that..."  I would also now add, "Mommy can't grow a penis" "Why don't you ever wear underwear? Ever" (All of these things were said to a child under 3.  But not the same child, so at least there's that)

I also had my daily dose of, how bad am I really screwing this kid up for life.  The 13-year-old - which by the way, there's not a book or a class or professional on the planet that could have properly prepared me for this battle - had it out with me about talking.  That's right.  Talking.  She doesn't like to talk to me. Or anyone.  According to her.  After lots of screaming, a few swears, and LOTS of tears, I was questioning my entire parenting style and life choices.  But after about 49 minutes alone in her room, she came out and was completely fine. Which only left me wondering if it ever actually happened or I just had slid between the parallel universe we aren't supposed to believe exists. Either way, I take kids in good moods any way I can get them, so I just let it go.

Miah was not doing well yesterday.  So the last thought I will share with you for the day was not as

(Not from the day described)

random as it felt in the moment.  He has been struggling so much.  From the MS or the plasma exchange therapy we can't be sure which, maybe both.  He has been having constant symptoms for at least a week now including terrible cognitive ability, nearly no balance - walking from the chair to the bathroom is like a game of Russian roulette with all the furniture and things in the house, some headaches, lots of numbness, and his legs randomly give out as if all of the other stuff was not enough fun.  Yesterday he finally confessed to me after I VERY GENTLY (read: told him he was doing it or I was doing it for him) urged him to come sit outside while I swept up the weeds and grass my MIL had come to help clean up, that he now is having nausea that he can't explain, but comes and goes some as he moves around. I worry about things like muscle atrophy, weight (my 6 foot 1-inch husband weighs less than I do, and I look pretty damn good for 4 kids, a few major surgeris and that little leg incident) But what still amazes me every single day, is that man's optimism.  Even though obvious fear, anxiety and depression, at his core, he still has hope.  Hope for a recovery, hope he will be cured, and hope for as many of the years with me and our kiddos as we had planned on having when we started this journey together almost 16 years ago.  People look at me and think I'm strong, but I think they're looking at the wrong spouse.

I have to go pretend to clean my office now.  Until next time, friends! ❤